Last night I was really stressed out about life, and I was praying and I just felt so afraid.  And I thought, I shouldn’t be afraid, I should try to have faith that things will work out.

And then I realized something: I’m always afraid.

I operate in a state of constant fear.  I’m always afraid of something or other; I’m always afraid that things won’t work out.

And as I tried to focus on feeling safe and secure, it was awkward and uncomfortable.  I realized that these were very unfamiliar feelings.  In contrast, fear felt familiar, like an old friend, or a warm blanket.

I didn’t know what do with myself when I didn’t feel afraid; I was so used to worrying that without worry and fear to occupy my mind, I didn’t know what to occupy it with.

And I preferred to slip back to feeling afraid.  Because it was familiar.  Because I was used to it.

I don’t want to be afraid all the time.  I want to filled with faith that things will work out.  But old habits are hard to break.