I really like Neil LaBute’s work.  And I never understood why, because I don’t really understand it.  I mean honestly, I don’t know what the guy’s trying to communicate much of the time.

And then I figured out why his work spoke to me.

He writes, in the foreword to his play In a Dark, Dark House:

 

“I, too, grew up in a dark house, one that was shrouded in shadows and sadness…I, too, know what it’s like to lead a certain part of life in secret, frightened by voices remembered and deeds done…I lived under the roof of a small house with a man who scared me much of the time, a father whose quicksilver moods moved from euphoric highs to shattering lows.  He was probably bipolar and maybe even worse; he had all the charm and chill of an antisocial personality that managed to remain hidden from most people but was on full display in the ’safety’ of the family home…he continues to haunt my work and myself…Anyway, did I have a bad childhood?  I think so.  Was I ever abused?  As a matter of fact, yes.  Is it all behind me now?  On a good day.”

 

When I read this a light bulb went off in my head.  Oh, I though, that’s why he speaks to me.  That’s why we get each other.  He knows what it’s like, too.

Somehow, I could always sense his experience, permeating throughout his work, much the same experience as the one I lived through, although my mother was the abusive one, not my father.  The specifics are different–I don’t think my mother was bipolar, for example–but many of the feelings and experiences are identical. 

Not many people would want to to claim Neil LaBute as a kindred spirit, but he just might be one to me.

On Comedy

I think the difference between today’s contemporary comedies and the comedies of the golden age of Hollywood is that the comedies of yore were about something, whereas today’s comedies seem to revolve around making us laugh at increasingly crude and vulgar humor.

I  just finished Holiday a delightful, beautiful little comedy about wealth, possessions, and being a free spirit.  Or take another of Katherine Hepburn’s films, Adam’s Rib. That movie, which is really very funny, says quite a lot of interesting things about marriage.

Today’s comedies do have themes and messages of course–the difference is that they are a secondary concern and very simplistically stated, rather than deeply explored.  For instance, Talladega Nights (a very funny movies) says some nice things about knowing who your true friends are and the way wealth can create false friends.  However, only a small portion of the film is spent exploring these ideas.  Furthermore, the ideas are not particularly new or revolutionary, nor is much insight added to them.  On the other hand, Adam’s Rib spent most of the film focusing on the theme of marriage, instead of only a small portion.    Furthermore, the film said quite a lot of thought-provoking, interesting things about marriage.  It presented new ideas, and shed new light on old ones.  Best of all, it did all this without sacrificing entertainment value or slipping into preachy-ness.

I love that.

 

On a more general note, I’ve begun to appreciate the simplicity of the straight forward.  Much of today’s film making gravitates toward the ambiguous, the controversial, and at worst the pointless.  And as an audience we don’t always have the time or the mental or emotional energy to wade into those deep waters.  Older stories allowed you to take a less vigorous swim, and still come away enlightened.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice hard swim quite frequently–far more often than the average Joe– and I think there is clearly room for both ambiguous and straight forward stories–I’m just so immersed in the former that the latter feels like a breath of fresh air.

Last night I was really stressed out about life, and I was praying and I just felt so afraid.  And I thought, I shouldn’t be afraid, I should try to have faith that things will work out.

And then I realized something: I’m always afraid.

I operate in a state of constant fear.  I’m always afraid of something or other; I’m always afraid that things won’t work out.

And as I tried to focus on feeling safe and secure, it was awkward and uncomfortable.  I realized that these were very unfamiliar feelings.  In contrast, fear felt familiar, like an old friend, or a warm blanket.

I didn’t know what do with myself when I didn’t feel afraid; I was so used to worrying that without worry and fear to occupy my mind, I didn’t know what to occupy it with.

And I preferred to slip back to feeling afraid.  Because it was familiar.  Because I was used to it.

I don’t want to be afraid all the time.  I want to filled with faith that things will work out.  But old habits are hard to break.

November is Hope

“If you’ve ever had those times where you’ve clutched a pen or something else in your hand for a long time, only to look down and be surprised that you are still holding it long after your need for it has passed, you’ll understand.  Sometimes our minds just make us go on clutching something. Sometimes we get so used to holding on that we forget to let it go.”

“I wondered if there were some pieces of your life that would always be too monumental to ever leave you.  Some events in life that were fossils embedded in rock, the wrinkles etched on an old person’s face, words imprinted in a book.  Permanent, permeating…But then you turn the page.”

“We are thickly layered, page lying upon page, behind simple covers.  And love–it is not the book itself, but the binding.  It can rip us apart or hold us together. My mother had always said that a book is worthy of a strong embrace, but, too, you must be gentle with one.  Careful in whose hands you put it.”

“We had a long history of protecting each other, my mother and I.  I’m sure we’d keep protecting each other forever.  We cared too much for each other to have between us the recklessness of complete honesty.”

all quotes from Honey, Baby, Sweetheart by Deb Caletti
images from here and here

Guys, the church is true, in case you were wondering.  I bear my testimony of that.  I’ve never doubted for very long, or doubted very seriously, but I have on occasion doubted.  But I can give you my renewed testimony that it is true.

and you know what else?  here are some other things I know:

- theatre frequently seems like a ridiculous, impossible, crazy, unstable, field, with little chance for success.  But it is where I belong and where I’m going to stay.

- I can make it through the pain.  Sometimes it seems impossible, but my Heavenly Father has given me the  strength to make it through the pain.  And make it I will.

- I may not really have a family here on earth right now, but I am part of my Heavenly Father’s family.  They love me and support me.

 

in other words, it’s going to be okay.

I have been in prime self-destructive mode all week.  Maybe the last three weeks.  I don’t know.  I feel like I’m going crazy.

I think it’s because my sister is turning 16 soon and my mom is not going to let me be there.  I miss her so much…it likes an ache inside me all the time.  I’ve been dreaming about her lately.   It’s been eating me up inside and I’ve been eating it up literally, I’ve been just eating way too much the last week, and it’s bad for my body but even worse for me emotionally because I feel so bad about acting so self-destructive.  It’s what’s called maladaptive behavior. I wonder what healthy adaptive behavior would be in this situation…but I’m not really sure…

I miss her so much…

Here’s to waking up and dealing with the pain better tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

understanding

Okay, I think I’ve finally put two and two together.

I am willing to risk so much, with no chance of anything working out, BECAUSE I am high on our connection, which is honestly unlike anything I have experienced in my life, and because he has qualities that I value highly and can never find.

Because I have been looking for that for so long, and not finding it, and despairing of its existence and possibility, I can’t get myself to care sufficiently about the fact that he is bad.

That is what  is going on here.

“i knew that he was bad, and that it didn’t matter” -Deb Caletti

 

 

“I walked into your eyes without a rain coat on”  -Ingrid Michaelson

 

How is this happening to me? 

I’m doing all sorts of stupid things I don’t normally do.

Our connection is, I imagine, what crack cocain must be like.  I want it so much.  Which makes me forget everything when I’m with him.  Like that he’s bad. 

Along with being skilled at cutting my losses, I’m normally quick to lose all interest in bad boys.  But not this time.

I know this isn’t healthy.  I know this isn’t good.  I know I am worse than playing Russian Roulette with my heart.  (At least there’s a chance on winning that.  This is going to end badly no matter what. )

I can’t seem to get myself to care enough to stop.  I like being around him so much, I cannot resist the oppurtunity to do so.

 

 

images via sabino

Wisdom

“Compliments can give something far and beyond what the giver intended.  They can have the strength of a medieval tonic, a transforming magic that can take on a life of its own.  All you need is the right combination of ingredients–need, certainty, a hole to fill and a believable wizard to hand over the bubbling liquid.”

Have you ever received a compliment like that?  You want to believe it so much–that need, that hole to fill is so huge–and yet you know deep down that it’s a lie, that they don’t mean it?  And yet you can’t help but believe it because you want it more than anything to be the truth and you want more than anything for him to think that about you…

“I decided that [he] had just been playing.  He hadn’t realized what he was doing…I made a little edit of him, turning him to fiction.  It was easier than you’d think.”

I’ve definitely done that with guys; editing them into what I want them to be in spite of themselves.

“To an untrained eye, need and love were as easily mistaken for each other as the real master’s painting and a forgery.  All I could do right then was feel that wrenching hold in my stomach and my heart and call it love.”

“You fall in love and you think you’re finding yourself.  But too often you’re looking inside him for you, and that’s a fact.  There’s only one place you can find yourself, [and that's inside your self].”

“Love can only come when you’re already who you are, when you are filled with you.  Not when you look to someone else to fill the empty space.”

All quotes  from Deb Caletti’s Honey, Baby, Sweetheart.

Top image from Cup Cake Mug Shot. All other images from ffffound.